New Mama Mental Health
I was hospitalized for sepsis after one of our miscarriages - day 4 of 10 in the hospital.
This is when I realized that taking care of me was the only way I could ever have a family and that it needed to be a priority.
Mental health is becoming increasingly discussed by the general public, as it should be. This is a topic that should never be taboo! Through the years of infertility and loss, my husband and I learned a lot about ourselves and one another and how to take of ourselves and one another. We realized what mattered to us, what didn’t, what we wanted and what is meaningful in our lives. We, without realizing it, began taking better care of our mental health.
Having to navigate the ups and downs of infertility and 5 miscarriages took an incredible toll on our lives. Not to mention the PTSD and separation anxiety we experienced once we were pregnant and made it further and further each week. Some friends became disinterested and left, some stood strong for us when we couldn’t, and others stayed around to be nosey. We didn’t care who did what, what mattered was that we were okay and we loved those who were genuinely there by our sides (you can tell the difference between the ones in it for the info and the ones in it for you). I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t happy a lot of the time. I had 5 years of no babies, I had gained 50 pounds, and I had no answers as to why - I was angry. Until one day, I just wasn’t. I decided that there is absolutely nothing I can control and that no doctor was purposely hiding results, no nurse was betting against me, and those that loved us couldn’t help with answers - there was a bigger plan and I had to trust it. And just like that, I did… after 3 straight days of crying.
See, my husband and I were quarantined after exposure to COVID only a short while after we had experienced another loss. Against my better judgement, and the recommendations of everyone else, I refused to take a leave. I didn’t want to sit in my home and be alone, with no babies, and be reminded that I wasn’t going to have a baby. I didn’t want to get “quarantine depression”. Going to work at a school every day kept children in my life and kept me busy - I hadn’t grieved properly. So when I got the call that I had to quarantine, I was terrified.
I woke up the first day and cried… All. Day. Long. Then I did it again the second, and by the third, my lips broke out in fever blisters, my right eye had swollen shut and was red, and I my psoriasis had flared all over my body. I was physically purging my grief. On the fourth day, I awoke and felt like I had no tears left to cry. I finally left my bedroom and focused on my husband. I think a lot of people forget that he lost babies too, not just me. We pulled together and focused on ourselves, together.
It was the fourth day that I decided that I had no control and that I needed to just keep going and trust the plan whether I liked it or not. My life changed at that point. I started to do things for me and for my husband and I didn’t worry about what others thought, what they’d comment, or if they thought it was okay. I was living life for me. I applied to the Masters Program for Education at the University of Regina, we started doing more renovations on our home, and we went about life as we pleased. We even applied to have a billet live with us to bring life into our home and to help support the community.
Three weeks into my first grad class I found out I was pregnant and we now have a perfect little boy.
Life, as all you parents know, has only become busier but we still take time for mental health (HERE are some great lines if you’re needing options for mental health or new parenting assistance). It is more important than ever. For birthday gifts we as one another what would be relaxing or helpful. We take time to close the blinds and just watch TV and cuddle our baby. We go to the lake and do what we want to do rather than feeling obligated to do what others think we should do. We also let our friends and family help us. We tossed our pride aside and we ask for help. This is the biggest piece of advice that I can give any new parent.
LET. PEOPLE. HELP.
ASK. FOR. HELP.
Other people can hold your baby, watch your baby, feed your baby, and put your baby to sleep. It is okay to ask for help and probably best for your mental health.
To complete my graduate studies I need my parents. They watch my son 2-3 days a week so that I can dedicate uninterrupted time to finishing school work and getting ahead as best I can so that I can spend weekends and some evenings with my family and take care of them and my own mental health. I could not do this without them or my husband dedicating his Saturdays to daddying full-time while I’m in class.
What do I do for my mental health?
I asked for help with my son so that I can complete schoolwork and run errands
I NEED a clean home to not feel anxious so I take time to clean or clean when my son is with his grandparents.
I go for walks
I do not spend all of my time with my son. This is a hard one. I know it is healthy to have mommy time away from him and I know it teaches him that there are other people that love him and that he can trust. He’s well-socialized and well-exposed to germs now that he is older than a few months of age.
I eat healthily. I planned to meal prep while I was still pregnant. In fact, I prepped a bunch of freezer meals so that I could continue to eat healthily and not feel bogged down with cooking once I had my baby - especially in those first 4 weeks when you cry over everything and feel like a crazy person (yes, that’s real). It was the greatest thing I could have done for myself. I also ate EVERYTHING while I was pregnant so that my fetus was exposed to all foods and I could eat nearly anything I wanted once he was born and he could tolerate it in my milk. It has been a lifesaver (EAT SPICY MEXICAN AND INDIAN FOOD WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT).
I decided NOT to exclusively breastfeed. I pump and feed my son so that I can have a drink or spend a night away from him and whomever he’s staying with can still feed him with a bottle.
I don’t let myself have mom guilt. I know that I am doing everything in my power to be an incredible mama to my little boy and nobody is going to make me feel bad about the choices I’m making because I know that I’m making them for my son and my family.
Finally, we take our son everywhere. We don’t listen to when people say, “you can’t do that with a kid”. Absolutely we can! There are people that hike mountains and travel the world with babies, we can do stuff too! Find ways to make your children a part of your routine. Share your passions with them. Let them sleep in the carseat, on your chest (don’t listen to people saying you’re hand spoiling them, research has disproved it - IT IS NOT TRUE), or under a table at a wedding. They’ll be fine.
So when it comes to mental health it can take many forms and I do what works for me and my family. I choose to be a powerful mama who will show my son that a person can do anything they put their mind to if they just trust the plan and work hard. It took us 5 years to have this wonderful blessing of a baby boy and if I don’t take care of myself, I won’t be around to take care of him.
This is a GREAT read for those who want to read more about taking care of yourself as a new parent.
Tips for new dads
A healthy, happy mama (and dad) means a healthier, happier baby.
Take care of yourself.