Spoiled Rotten
Can you spoil a baby? The jury’s out.
They napped like this almost daily for the first monthMultiple sites have been published to disprove the earlier beliefs that babies need to be cautiously cared for but not spoiled in order to prevent children from growing up to be coddled and spoiled rotten brats. Terms and practices like ‘cry it out’ have been in the process of being faded out due to research proving it can cause psychological issues of anxiety further down the road.
Parents and specialists are now turning to calming strategies and guided self-soothing to help develop skills in children from a young age. Instead of facing things alone we are coaching and guiding them to gain tools and strategies for self-regulation. Sound familiar teachers?
Old School
Traditional methods like Crying It Out (which was implemented with the idea of behaviourism as a method for childrearing versus using affection and love) are becoming increasingly unpopular due to their harsh approaches and lasting negative psychological effects on children and parents. The Cry it Out Method believes that children need to be taught to be independent but science and research have proven this to cause opposing effects of dependence and clinging to safety due to fear caused by anxiety and stress. Read Dr. Narvaez’s article for bullet-point facts on how and why the Cry it Out Method causes trauma.
Other methods receiving backlash are, but are not limited to, the Controlled Crying and Camping Out Methods because they involved little to no contact or affection.
Dr. Darcia F. Narvaez states in her article:
“The 20th century was the time when “men of science” were assumed to know better than mothers, grandmothers, and families about how to raise a child. Too much kindness to a baby would result in a whiney, dependent, failed human being. Funny how “the experts” got away with this with no evidence to back it up!”
New School
Due to the research stated above, parents are moving to soothing methods of regulation and sleep training. In fact, Websites and apps like Baby Center offer copious amounts of information and tips on how to gently care for your baby. Their website has over 10 reasons why your baby could be crying and HOW TO HOLD THEM for comfort and soothing. Their site even has a page on why others are choosing to move away from the Cry it Out Method and towards gentler techniques. They even list the techniques and pros and cons for each. I did not want to rely on one source of information for each technique so I will link the ones I preferred in addition to the original one I used as a springboard for the topic.
The techniques:
The Pick Up Put Down Method (similar to the Ferber Method)
He hates clothing anyway.Besides app and website information, people are starting to follow sleep coaches like Little Winks Sleep, Sleep Baby Dr, and Taking Cara Babies on Instagram and Facebook for much-needed sleeping and regulation tips. All three of these women agree with modern research that YOU CAN’T HOLD YOUR BABY TOO MUCH and that the human touch is VITAL for development. In fact, the research is so clear that it is everywhere.
Why Do I Care?
I have been hearing everyone, left, right, and center tell me to “be careful” and not hold my baby too much or he’s going to be “hand spoiled” and never be able to do anything without me. My reply is usually something sarcastic like, “That’s my plan. I’m going to love him so much no woman will ever be good enough for him.” People roll their eyes and give up or try to give me ‘facts’ about spoiling him. This is where I unleash my FACTS and quote research. That typically ends the conversation OR they actually act like mature adults and either compliment the new information or ask more about it. The latter is minimal.
When you have a lash appointment but baby bear also wants to nap. No Problem! Maybe my response sounds immature and petty but I’m sick of being told “how to mom” when people spew outdated information or have no basis for their theories. I’ll admit that I am NOT the ‘book-reading’ mom and I’m winging it but when I encounter something new with Kolt or I have wonderings, I search for facts online. FACTS - not myths. Just because I didn’t read all of the parenting books doesn’t mean I don’t do the reading now. I’m a “take it as it comes” kinda lady and I don’t want preconceived notions about my kid due to what a book told me may or may not happen to or with my child. Humanity seemed to have survived, and multiplied, without the books before so I feel like we’re going to be okay.
What Method Do I Use?
Currently, I have no method.
None.
My husband and I are using our instincts and communicating about childrearing on the fly! I know… risky move, right? When we first came home from the hospital we had Kolter sleeping in his own bassinet in his own room while we had the monitor on. We would rock him to sleep and he slept 3-4 hours on his own just fine. He’d wake, we’d change and feed him, rock him, and place him back in his bassinet to sleep. When he got his immunizations we moved his bassinet to our room in case he fussed and needed consoling. We did this to make it easier on us, not him. I didn’t want to run across the hall every time he might fuss if he was uncomfortable fromhis shots. Turns out he slept 8 hours straight so it wasn’t an issue.
He was so tiny.
During the day, he typically falls asleep wherever he is (floor, couch, nest). He plays on his own or with us until he’s tired, fusses a bit and falls asleep. I would say that 80% of the time he falls asleep on his own and the other 20% is in contact with one of us. If I want to hold my son and snuggle him while he’s sleeping, I’m going to. These days are going to last forever and before I know it I’ll be at work and I’ll be missing everything. I have NO IDEA how you women in the United States do it - we have a year off in Canada and it seems to fly by.
My husband and I try to keep a balance between holding him and letting him fall asleep on his own. After May long weekend we recognized that a lot of our friends had held him all weekend and that we should maybe do a little bit less holding so that he falls back into a routine. He was back into routine within 24 hours. Yes, we’re lucky and we know that not everyone experiences the same success but we do. We want to hold our baby. We’re going to hold our baby. If he wants us, we hold him. If we want him, we hold him. If he’s fussing and crying and whining, we hold him. We want him to know that we’re there for anything he needs but that if we’re not holding him we’re holding his hands, cradling his cheeks, and rubbing his back to show we’re not far away. Sometimes just holding my finger is all he needs to fall asleep- to know I'm there.
This is how we choose to parent our son- with support and comfort. If he turns out to be a total jerk then this post can stand as a ‘what not to do’ in future research on childrearing.
What’s Next?
We’re still navigating the balance between the late lake sleep schedule and the at-home sleep schedule. We did not set a schedule for him because babies tend to do it themselves. At the lake, there is more stimulation and he tends to fall asleep later and this has been a tough road to navigate for us sleepy parents. We think we have discovered a way to overcome it using the Fading Method. As I said, Kolt has a strong self-schedule set to his circadian rhythm and we’re a fan of it. Wake at 6 and feed, then again at 9 am, noon, 3 pm, 6 pm, and 9 pm and sleep. He typically wakes between 3 and 4 am for a feed but lately, that has been happening less and he’s sleeping from approximately 9:30 pm until 6 am. WOO! After a weekend at the lake this all back up about an hour to 90 minutes but the Fading methods typically brings it back within a day or so.
Happy Cuddles
Future Posts
Want to see how our first time swimming went? Stay tuned!